So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize