The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
