Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
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i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
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You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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