Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
