today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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