you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
