the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
