I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
