my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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