Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
