I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The power of my boobs compel you
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
