I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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