I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
