I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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