I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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