You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
