I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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