I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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