i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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