Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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