I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
it's great music for shaving your balls
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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