I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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