i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
