a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
