Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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