I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
