Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
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I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
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While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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