in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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