I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
my shit smells like andre
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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