foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize