My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
