I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
