im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
