How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
