It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
