I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Randomize
