i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize