he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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