He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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