I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
