I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
