hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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