Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
