On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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