Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I AM VODKA MAN
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think people are normalizing furries
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
