I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
