i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
