did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
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Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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