Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I think my vagina is haunted
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
