I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
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I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
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Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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