You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
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When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
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Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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