"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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