Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Is it because I queefed?
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
