I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
