Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
