I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dear god my vagina.
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