shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
